Menopause, PMDD & Me – An artist’s journey

The title of the post refers to where I am in my cycle.

Welcome to Menopause, PMDD & Me – An artist’s journey.

I am amanda a 53-year-old artist living in Brighton. I am 4 1/2 yrs booze-free, have come out as queer, and have lived with PMDD since I was 14. (Diagnosed at 48.) I am currently in menopause.

And 6 months into a life-changing Part-time MA in Fine Art at Brighton University. I live in Brighton very close to the sea, the beach is my sanctuary it feeds all the senses. I work from my Studio in the sky, which is on the 13th floor of a high-rise with a unique view of the city.

I decided that it was important for me to document my journey through menopause using my MA in Fine Art as a sabbatical of self-enquiry. (Immersing myself in the solitude painting brings,) the MA gives me space to do that and also connections with other artists, bringing rich and exciting conversations.

My dream of being an artist has been with me since I was little. (A cliche but true.) I never gave up on my dream, I went to art college twice, got a degree in fine art in my 30s and have learnt so many creative skills along the way. 

The problem was that I had no confidence in myself or my abilities as an artist. I kept myself small, hidden inside my sketchbooks. (I have been keeping them since I was 19.) Venturing out now and again, until anxiety and self-doubt reared their ugly heads and back inside I would go.

I just knew deep in my heart I would find a way to live the life of the artist I truly desired to be.

Quitting Booze 

When I said goodbye to booze on (1.09.2019), I had no idea what my life would look like. If I wanted to live my dream life as an artist without restrictions of my own making, the drinking had to stop. It was the scariest decision I have ever made, even though I knew drinking was making me miserable and drinking with PMDD is not a good combination. I just could not imagine what my life would look like without booze!

I worked with a creative mentor and within 6 months I decided to get sober and launched my brand Creatively Curious. Produced beautiful notebooks and sketchbooks, cards and prints, ran workshops, and courses, a free group. At the same time, stepping into a whole new world. And getting to know a whole new me. 

Getting sober meant connecting with all my emotions. The good the bad and the ugly, it takes time and work to start to be kind to yourself and see yourself as worthy. I carried a lot of guilt and shame from my past. All I knew was that in my heart my desire to live as an artist was my rock. My creativity, along with meditation, and journaling (something I held off from for so many years because I am dyslexic) these things along with the beach give me the tools to look after myself when my mental health is poor.

Running Creatively Curious and being sober gave me the confidence to spread my creative wings, and get out of my sketchbooks. As my trust and love for myself grew, I knew it was time to take my artistic dreams to the next level and apply to uni.

The things I am doing now would not have happened if I were drinking, it’s not easy staying sober in a world that drinks. And as hard as that can be from time to time, I would not change it for the world. I am now living my life not just existing in a world of shame, guilt and hangovers!

What is PMDD? (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

I won’t go into great detail in this post, but will cover it more in future posts, I recommend looking at IAPMD this has a wealth of up-to-date information and support. They are amazing and finding them made me feel less alone I have been part of PME Awareness Month for the last couple of years.

Understanding I had PMDD gave me so much insight and awareness of my behaviour for the past 40 years. It has been ( I call her PamD) affecting my life for 2 weeks of my month since I started bleeding at 14!

I have decided not to use HRT as I have PMDD, and it could either worsen my condition or improve it. Currently, I have self-care tools that support me, as I transition through menopause, and my cycle durations increase I am uncertain how PMDD will impact me, as even health professionals don’t know much about it. For that reason, I am documenting and discussing my experience. Having honest conversations, as I don’t want anyone else to go for so long without getting the help they need.

After menopause, PMDD will no longer be a part of my life!

I am an Elder in training!

I came across a talk  “The Wise Women Archetype – Menopause as Initiation” (by Jean Shinoda Bolen M.D) it sparked something in me, and I wanted to know more. So I am reading and exploring what it means to transition into a post-menopausal life.

I started to see menopause in a new light. A time of discovery and letting go, giving me hope and purpose. Rather than accepting society’s negative views of what it means to be menopausal and post-menopausal.

I am reflecting on the journey my life has taken me through, including the dark places, and how I have come out on the other side stronger and more confident every time. Menopause is a time for solitude and introspection, delving deep within myself, creating art and using this blog to reflect on my experiences. I am not the only person experiencing menopause, with the added challenge of PMDD. Journeys will differ from person to person, this is my experience.

And when my body is ready and I have completed a year and a day without a bleed I will move into  Act iii and start my life as a postmenopausal Elder. Strong in my purpose. Creating art, speaking, and empowering others.

Being post-menopausal can be a time of great power, that can be harnessed and shared for good in this world. Society has created a narrative that sees the Elder (not using the word elderly!) person as on the scrap heap! 

It’s time to change the narrative, I am stepping up to be part of that change!

Thank you for reading this, I would love to hear from you. Are you going through menopause with PMDD? Drop me a line, how are you getting on?

Book Recommendations

I use the word elder rather than elderly after reading the book “Hagitude” by Sharon Blackie. (I much prefer the definition of elder!)

Also, I recommend “Wise Power – Discovering the Liberating Power of Menopause – to Awaken Authority, Purpose and Belonging” by Alexandra Pope and Shane Hugo Wurlitzer (Founders of the Red School)

Social Media

You can find out more about me on my Instagram, Creatively Curious is my main page and has my creative exploits from the last 10 years.

Alongside this blog, I am also launching my artist page  a.thompson.artist on Instagram and will be sharing my artist website in the Spring.