Menopause, PMDD & Me – An artist’s journey

PMDD & Menopause, Uncharted Water.

Today is the longest I have ever gone without a bleed, 97/366!

I don’t have a regular cycle, my monthly living with PMDD, tracking so I could see when she, (an alter ego called PamD!) was coming. Now it’s very different, I wake up in the morning and open my eyes and only then will I know how I am feeling! It’s untraveled territory, scary at times, with new experiences, and very empowering too.

This is one of those new experiences, a 6-week depression. (when my cycle was regular it would normally last just over 2 weeks every month.) It was hard work to navigate that amount of time feeling so low it affects mind, body and soul. Thankfully since getting sober you can’t help but become more self-aware.

There is no hiding from the uncomfortable anymore! Being able to listen to and then quieten intrusive thoughts, is a skill I have been working on for a few years now. It takes practice, it’s uncomfortable at times but so worth it.

I have conversations out loud with the thoughts, telling them I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to happen. I even talk to my reflection in the mirror and tell myself how proud I am for getting through the discomfort. It’s about finding the little things to be grateful for, even when the depression is all-encompassing, knowing it will pass, and remembering to be kind and gentle to myself.

Then a few weeks ago, I woke up, something shifted, I felt good! The word “good” sounds flippant, it’s more exciting, scary and a bit wonderful, giving me a glimpse of life without PMDD and I like it a lot.  I am taking it one day at a time as it could change, I could bleed then it’s back to Day 1. If that happens I will deal with it then, and not worry about what-ifs now.

Me & My Intuition

“Fear of the unknown scared me so much and I stayed stuck. It held me in its grip, crushing my heart and making me feel so utterly worthless time and time again”

a.thompson.artist

Even though I am getting much better at dropping into my heart and listening to my intuition. I was reminded recently how important it is not to ignore it! During my recent depression, I was asked a favour, and my intuition was screaming at me don’t go, it’s not a good time, you are not in a good place. My heart was overruled and my head said YES ok I will go! 

I took myself from the safety of my studio to the outside world. It resulted in me fucking up badly, I knew I had. I sat and listened to what they had to say, I was so sorry for what had happened. The hardest part was having to sit with the consequences of my actions, knowing that only time was going to heal.

I was painting Shame, Guilt & Fear and I had been seeing them as separate from me. All of a sudden the situation had put them right back inside me. I now felt them deeply, to my core, this had not happened since I was a drinker. I felt so uncomfortable with myself for what I had done. I wanted to drink, it was my head talking, and this was the way I used to deal with difficult emotions. But this time I knew that was not an option. The desire was great and a bit frightening how it was so strong after all these years.

I wanted to implode into myself and disappear, destructive thoughts, and, scenarios were flying around my head that I could not settle, I felt sick inside and uncomfortable in my own skin. It reminded me of how listening to your intuition and being honest about your mental well-being is so important. if I had the situation would never have happened!

Thankful I did not! I knew in my heart it would never be 1 drink, it was never just 1 drink.

Listening

My heart senses when to go to the beach (whatever the weather). It understands the sea calms me and gives me space to breathe. My head may resist and try hard to stop me, but my heart knows this is what must happen. And I never regret getting my arse down to the beach and letting all my senses take in the healing power of the sea. I managed to have heart-led conversations with myself. My heart can question what my head is saying and slow it down. I wrote loads in my journal and drew loads, turning my darkness into pictures. I moved through the uncomfortable and got out the other side. Sober!

I love the relationship developing with my intuition, it gets stronger every day. It’s one I am happy to work support, nurture and care for. I have developed my own tools to help me to continue living a more peaceful life. Meditation, journaling, kundalini yoga. and most of all my beautiful creativity, a life force that has been with me through the darkness. I feel a freedom now I have never had before, and finally found my creative wings.

Therapy is also giving me space and time to see my darkness and look at ways to let it go and move on. Halfway through 20 sessions, (I had been on the waiting list for 30 months!) As long a time as that was, now is definitely the right time to be going through this process. I have so much more confidence in myself and know in my heart I have the strength to talk through and let go of the uncomfortable that has got stuck.

Spreading My Creative Wings

Recently I experienced a big revelation about how see my practice of drawing. After some inspiring discussions with my tutors. I realised that I had not understood that my drawings could be pieces of art in their own right! This has got me thinking looking forward to seeing what comes from this line of thought. The more I read, write, reflect, and make art, the more I see what is possible for me as an artist! It’s very exhilarating and a scary. I am changing the way I see myself , my art , I am breaking free and using my art to heal and grow . I use to hide inside my sketchbooks using drawing to manage myself. Now I am facing my fears and leaping into the unknown .

After all on the other side of fear is freedom! Hand on heart it really is true.

Painting is relatively new for me and I only started oil painting last year. And chose my grandson Theo as my 1st portrait in oils, which he was very pleased about. Its something I have wanted to try for years but yet again fear held me back! It was pointed out that I had to learn to paint with the paint! I was challenged to face my fears and go for it! Last week I did just that , started exploring a painting technique called “Impasto” using oil paint. It’s like painting with soft butter and you almost stroke the colour on to the canvas, is all very delicious. I am stepping into the unknown exploring and letting go, this is about me and my art, facing my fears and being true to my hearts desires.

The 1st 6 months of my MA are over, and it has exceeded my expectations, I am giving it the time it deserves, that I deserve, living my life as an artist and in the right place to make sure I do from now till the day I die, ideally with a paintbrush in my hand face down on a canvas, somewhere warm! In the meantime, I will work from my Studio in the Sky.

The purpose of this blog is not about telling anyone how to live their lives, this is just me sharing my journey as a woman going through menopause with PMDD, choosing not to take HRT, who is a sober artist and has been for over 4 1/2 years! The plan is to post around the full moon so it becomes a monthly episode, writing is a skill I am developing, this blog is a work in progress.

Since my diagnosis of PMDD, 5 years ago aged 48, I have been able to access a community of others, I was able to read and understand what was going on with me. Allowing me to make informed choices of how I want to manage this journey. After 34 yrs of not knowing what the fuck was going on, the relief to find out I was not alone was massive and life-changing. If you want to find out more about PMDD then please check out IAPMD they are an amazing organisation that has so much support, information and community.

Thank you for reading this, if anything comes up for you and you have questions, message me.

Here is a link to my Linktree where you can find my social media as I am having a few teething problems with the icons on my site.