For a few weeks, I had felt something wasn’t right; I had a feeling or many feelings. Then, After 111 days, I woke up, and I was bleeding. I cried and wailed; big tears rolled down my face. The past few weeks now made sense; what I experienced was PMDD!
The very dark thoughts and being plagued by various scenarios made me question myself and my abilities. Despite my efforts to acknowledge these thoughts, recognise them for what they were, and let them go, they seem to be coming at me from all sides, leaving me very unsettled. It felt like a cloud of despair floating around me; I even questioned the point of my existence on this earth. It feels strange writing that sentence, but at the time, it’s a real conversation I have with myself.
Managing the Overwhelm of Emotions and Thoughts
That morning, I knew I needed to get down to the beach. I could see from my window that the tide was out, which meant there would be sand. I love crunching over the stones and then suddenly walking onto the sand; it’s quiet. It’s a different feeling; the sand moves and is wobbly; standing on the sandy shoreline with the sea lapping at my boots, I felt calmer. I just breathed, smelled the sea, listened to the sounds of the waves, and closed my eyes. Those moments fill my heart and quiet my mind; I know these feelings and thoughts will pass in time.
I was grateful to be relatively quiet for the next few days and process this experience. If I tried to deny or ignore my feelings and emotions when they arose, it would not be healthy to shut them away, and ignoring what I felt would serve me no purpose.
As I was also experiencing heavy bleeding and discomfort, I rested when possible. I also journaled, meditated, and spent time in the studio drawing and painting.
I have learnt to navigate feelings in a much healthier way only after I got sober. I soon discovered that all emotions and feelings are valid and that you can’t hide from them anymore; you must sit with them and listen to what they say. No more hiding behind a can of lager.
Being on the MA, living my life as an artist, making art, and also just over 1/2 way through 20 sessions of therapy, is giving me the space to move through what has caused me so much pain and discomfort, all the shame and guilt I carried like heavy rocks around with me for years.
Now that I am strong enough, I am ready to explore my dark past and transform it into art. My paintings and drawings are giving me a new sense of creative freedom.
My 1st Artist Residency
“Exploring my Relationship with Drawing.” – 7th, 8th, and 9th of May 2024.
Responding to the prompt ‘Alongside’ over 3 weeks, MA Fine Art Students are invited to use the gallery space as a residency for one or more days to test out and share our work alongside fellow artists.
Why? For over 35 years, I have drawn in my sketchbooks and become very comfortable in them. They are my safe space, with no rules, just me and a pencil on a journey; drawing calms my mind; it is just what I do.
The Conversations It first started in a tutorial. It was noted that learning to paint can be challenging for artists who primarily draw. Viewing the painting as its own distinct outcome is important, as it cannot simply replicate the drawing.
Then, during a mentoring session, I was asked.
Do you see your drawing as an earlier stage in a process that will then be realised on the canvas?
Would you consider showing drawings in the same way as paintings?
Devil Advocate was played with 2 sentences!
Drawing is its own outcome!
Does the drawing deserve to be exhibited?
In another conversation, a different tutor said
Have you considered exhibiting your drawings at the Interim Show?
The answer was
NO! I have never considered my drawings in this way.
This got me thinking a lot, and over the last few months, I have had interesting and, at times, challenging dialogue with myself; even being in the darkness of PMDD has shifted something. It’s time to let go. I feel motivated and excited about transforming my relationship with drawing; after all, we have been in a long-term relationship, and things can get stale! It’s always good to spice things up!
The residency allows me to work in a communal and open space, allowing me to draw on a larger scale beyond my sketchbook.
Outcome
During the 3-day residency, I will create a graphite pencil drawing on paper (larger than A3) to exhibit at the MA Interim Show.
On Reflection
I am so close to living my life without PMDD that it’s time to accept only my body knows when my cycle will end. I have seen it as giving extra time to tend to and heal old wounds. I will let my body do her thing; until then, I must trust this process, document, and make art. I see it as part of my training as an Elder; menopause is my time to make peace with myself and my past shadows.
So when the day comes, and the blood stops, I become a Postmenopausal Elder; I will have deep peace and contentment in my heart and my intuition as my guide.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
My blog is a work in progress where I document my thoughts and experiences as I go through my MA, menopause, and life as an artist. It will evolve, and I aim to publish a new post monthly around the full moon or just a bit after; this month, the full moon was strong!
If you’re going through menopause and have PMDD, let’s connect. Please leave a comment or email me.
Menopause, PMDD & Me - An artist’s journey 
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