Menopause, PMDD & Me – An artist’s journey

In my last blog post, I discussed being asked questions in a mentoring session about how I see my drawings.

Do I see them as art in their own right?

Do they deserve to be exhibited? 

I answered NO! 

This led me to think about how I could change this and why I had never considered taking my drawings from my sketchbook and putting them on the wall. It was time to re-evaluate my long-term relationship with my drawings. Being on the MA & having therapy has given me the confidence to push myself out of my comfort zone in the way I think, make art, and ultimately live my life as I go through my menopause.

The residency allowed me to explore my relationship with drawing in a physical space opposite of my safe space in my “Studio in the Sky”!

BEING IN PMDD DURING THE RESIDENCY

I was excited and scared; putting myself in a public gallery space and drawing was a big step. And one I knew in my heart I had to take. My PMDD mind was giving it all it could to try and undermine me; at one point, my head was saying, “Who do you think you are? Thinking you, of all people, can do this!” I looked in the mirror and said to my PMDD self, “ Fuck off, you are lying to me! You always lie to me, but this time, my heart and intuition reminded me that I can draw really well and that I am worthy to be in this space. So I ask you to leave me alone; you are not needed in this process. I felt so empowered and in control.I am only able to be this way because since getting sober, self-care is essential to me; it’s a way to manage myself when things are tough! 

The morning of the residency, I meditated, journaled, had breakfast, and checked my list to ensure I had everything needed for the day. I enjoyed getting ready, leaving the flat, and walking the two minutes to the Edward St Gallery. I wanted to experience the whole of this journey and enjoy each moment.

I was reminded of how far I have come. When I told a friend I would draw a giant portrait and create one drawing over three days, they replied, “What happens if it goes wrong?” My instant answer is that if I could not rub it out, I would stick some paper over the top and carry on! I used to be the one who would worry about things going wrong and then never make the art. 

GETTING OUT OF MY SKETCHBOOK

I had my headphones and an image of myself on my phone; I deliberately chose an interesting body pose with a foreshortening of the hand. I love challenging myself. I stuck up a massive piece of paper and some reference drawings, put on the music, and got going. The fear I had disappeared as the music played and the drawing began. My creative bubble surrounded me, and I got lost in my creative universe. Without knowing it, I even found myself dancing at times!

Drawing on such a big scale is daunting but extremely freeing; It’s a full-bodied physical experience. I was entirely part of the creation of the art. My arms’ movements allowed for beautiful lines and textures to appear. I was drawing like I was in my sketchbook, free and being me. I used pencil and some charcoal and built the drawing up in layers and using an eraser to work in to the layers of graphite. Recently, when painting, I found myself using both my left and right hands intuitively, which happened when drawing this self-portrait; I find this exciting and will be exploring this more in the future. 

Having the company of other artists working in the space was enriching. My artist friend Reem, also on the MA,  was painting in the space. We both had headphones on and were in our own worlds. I noticed how we synchronised, stepping back and looking back at what we were creating, both in the flow of the experience of our artworks. 

REFLECTIONS

Creating this self-portrait reflects how I perceive myself: a warrior embracing both the light and the dark within me. This transformation process into my post-menopausal years is my rite of passage to myself.

 Also, I really suit horns!

I have carried the weight of darkness within me for decades, like lugging around a backpack of rocks, believing that I was unworthy and utterly worthless! I am a work in progress, much like my art. The darkness inside that held me back has mostly gone. I know this to be true as I see it in how I am, show up for myself, and my long-held desire to be the artist I am today.

I felt proud when I stepped back and took in the finished drawing—and I still do!
I knew in my heart that this 3-day residency was pivotal in my career as an artist.I have discovered a new way to approach my drawing experience, and I’m very excited about it. I had considered exhibiting my work at the Interim Show, which marks the halfway point of my Fine Art MA and runs alongside the full-timers and 2nd years.

Timelapse on Instagram of Residency

Then, I had tutorials that inspired me to be very brave. I look forward to sharing that with you in the next post!

If you are or will be going through menopause, I encourage you to read Hagitude by Sharon Blackie. I have read the book and also have it on audio. It’s what started my journey and led me to the decision that it was essential for me to be an Elder in my post-menopausal years. “Hagitude” gave me the understanding and language I needed to see menopause and post-menopause in a new way. Society’s view of ageing and elder women is very harmful; I am part of the change.

Thank you for reading this; if you found it interesting, please can you share it.