Menopause, PMDD & Me – An artist’s journey

My life as a queer, sober artist navigating the menopause journey with PMDD.

It’s been a challenging time. I wanted to post sooner; unfortunately, my PMDD and menopause had other plans. After 187 days, just over six months, I started bleeding again, back to day 1! 

Scrap that, it’s 27/11/2024 and this morning, I am bleeding again! So, it is back to day 1 again. I am gutted it was only a short 45-day cycle, processing how I am feeling right now, and as I type, I cry; I have had enough, and there is nothing I can do; I have to wait! I have also decided to stop procrastinating and finish this blog post!

Honesty 

I have always said I would speak my truth, and it has taken me a few months to navigate this new situation; due to the severity of my PMDD, I have been signed off from work and had to be honest about how it is affecting my life on a day-to-day basis. I am a warrior and have tried hard to keep it all together, but ultimately, in the end, I knew I needed support.

I go from crying and intense rage to shame, guilt, and deep sadness. It was so intense I couldn’t trust my emotions; I even got upset with someone I knew and shouted in public. I went off crying, knowing I needed to apologise for my outburst; it was not their fault. Then, at 5:30 am the following day, I heard a man shouting up the road, and I opened the window and yelled “wanker” at the top of my voice! WTF!! It’s extreme and scary, and the intensity of the feelings and emotions is off the scale! I am doing things to manage the extremes healthily ( the family chocolate trifle was necessary yesterday!)

I have been filling out various forms and describing how I truly feel; this is difficult. We can hide the extent of our mental health in fear of ridicule and not being believed. It’s easier for some people to understand the physical illness and be compassionate and empathetic, but they cant understand mental illness. I don’t judge; I write my blog posts, make my art, and talk about my lived experience of PMDD and my journey through menopause.

Somebody said recently, “You come across so confident,” if only they knew how long it took me to prepare myself to be social! 

I am grateful to have a caring and proactive doctor and feel supported. I know that for some, this is not always the case, and they have to fight to get their diagnosis. Right now, my emotions are all over the place, and I have decided to limit social interaction as I can’t be sure how I will react! 

I have had to accept that only my body knows when I will finish my menstruating days. I have had to come to terms with being back at the beginning; I reframed to it as maybe I still have work to do on myself before stepping into my post-menopausal life as an Elder. 

Me & My Intuition 

Despite experiencing this setback, I feel stronger and braver now, and over the last 5yrs, I have developed an excellent connection with my intuition. In the past, when I was drinking, I ignored this inner voice. I could hear it sometimes shouting at me: “What are you doing? Stop drinking; you know what will happen.” 

Now, as I begin to unravel the layers of my past traumas, I approach this process with love and contentment in my heart. This allows me to finally shine and be myself, releasing the shame and guilt I carried for many years. My relationship with my intuition deepened when I finally began to listen. Until that point, nothing ever changed. This voice shows me that I am not a bad person, even though I sometimes feel broken and lost. My intuition helps me recognise my true self. It reminds me how far I have come; my intuition is proud of me! 

Tearing, Folding, and Paper Tears.

My art guides me during this deep “sangry” ( sadness + anger = sangry). I know that for me to be the best version of myself, to become the post-menopausal Elder I know I am destined to be, I must sort out and let go of ALL the shit that has held me back.

I realised my last blog post was at the end of August! And it is now November! At the end of my 1st year, I discovered the pleasure I got from tearing paper, so I decided to print out pages of my sketchbooks to make a collage. While doing this, my printer started to run out of ink and turned black to blue. And I allowed it to continue. I loved how a random act of the printer running out of ink completely took over and now features in all the art I am making!

My journey over the summer was scary and hard at times. The depth of the feelings and emotions I was experiencing was off the scale. I threw myself into my art and managed to hold it together! Paper tearing and folding have become a thing for me. I find it fascinating, and it has got my creative juices flowing and ideas forming to make honest art from my heart! I am on a journey of letting go of my past through my art; it is so exciting, and I am always so grateful to be an artist and have creativity and access to it as it allows me to be me!

I won’t be beholden to my past, so this time of destruction/freedom and wanting to run away and live in the woods with a big dog and my art materials is something that will happen, but when it does, I want to walk to, not run to!

I started tearing tear shapes from the printed pages of my sketchbooks. This continued for several days, and the urge to tear was strong. I sat with my sadness, cried, tore paper, drew tears, went to the beach, mind-mapped and ate cake, meditated, wrote in my journal, and did not drink!

I gathered my paper tears, art materials, chair with wheels, and headphones, placed myself in my allotted space and took part in my 2nd art residency at Edward St Gallery, creating a collage artwork and mind map. The initial fear of why I am doing it is real and necessary. I am thankful my intuition kicks in, and I get absorbed in my music and go for it!

After all, what is the worst that could happen?

I shudder to think of the mess I would be in if lager still played a part in my life. The tools I have now are fundamental to how I live and manage my emotions and feelings. Reflecting on how far I have come in 5 years. I have been so brave, and now I am ready to up my creative game and be braver still. 

Navigating life; Healthy Options.

The world is in a dire situation, with many people facing genocide, wars, and the threat of dangerous individuals in power. These events are happening right before our eyes, which feels overwhelming and devastating. At times, it can seem hopeless to stop them. However, I believe that by nurturing a solid heart and resilience, we can use our voices and art to contribute, even in a small way, to positive change in the world.

I wanted to share with you my ways of navigating emotions & feelings healthily. Over the last 5 years, I have learnt that giving yourself time and space to be with how you are feeling is essential. 

The top ways I manage challenging emotions and feelings since quitting alcohol. 

1. CREATIVITY – Allows you to express your inner world, emotions, and thoughts. It can also help you focus on the present moment, reducing stress and anxiety. And it’s available to anyone; we are all creative, and when we are given a chance to be innovative and let go of preconceived ideas about what it means, a whole new beautiful world opens up! If you have never been creative and do not know where to start and know you want to,  I have a little something called the “Sheet of Shapes”, which I have developed as a fun way for anyone to connect with their inner creative energy. Just message me, and I will send you all the information to get you started!
2. JOURNALING – I was so resistant to journalling until I was challenged, and I have been journalling daily for the last 4 1/2 years. It helps you to understand thoughts and feelings. It enables you to process, release them. 
3. MEDITATION – Again, something I was resident to, saying I can never keep still my mind is busy, just excuses. Then, just before the pandemic, I decided to challenge myself to 100 days; I was not long sober and ready to try anything. I have never looked back. And when I don’t meditate daily, I notice and know when I do make the effort and listen to my intuition. I started my meditation journey with the Headspace app, which taught me what meditation is.
4. DAILY GRATITUDE – Every time I start an entry in my journal , I begin by writing at least three things I am grateful for; even in a dark place, I will find something, however small. And science backs this up by saying that practising daily gratitude is beneficial. 
5. KUNDALINI YOGA – I have tried a few different styles of yoga, and when I started my kundalini journey 4 years ago and 1st encountered “breath of fire”, I knew this was right for me. So, twice a week, I show up on my mat and practice. 
6. WALKING – a great way to connect mind and body; go for a wander, no headphones, just you and the world around you. I have no car, so walking is a daily occurrence. Or put on your favourite music, audiobook or podcast and walk for an episode or 2.
7. THE SEA -I am very grateful to have the sea next to me; it is my refuge when I feel restless, sad, or overwhelmed. I shout at it and throw stones, yet it still has a way of calming and soothing my mind, body, and soul. The sea engages all my senses: when it rages, I can hear it from my bed, and when it calls to me, I tap into my intuition. Together, they guide me to the beach, and I’m grateful I listened as I never regret the decision to get myself from my flat to the sea, even in times of deep sadness!
8. MIND-MAPS – I have been using mind maps for over 10 years; they are an essential way to process thoughts and emotions, work out ideas for art projects, reflect, etc. The list is endless. I write them on the back of envelopes and scrapes of paper; they are now becoming art in their own right, which is very exciting.
9. SITTING WITH THEM  – This is the thing: if you choose, like me, to step away from something damaging you and enter a new way of being resilient, it is a big one as you can’t hide anymore. Alcohol was my numbing juice; it is socially acceptable, and you can purchase it 24 hours a day. Now, I talk about my feelings and emotions. I have had therapy, and more is on the way; I use all the above to help me manage myself. It’s not easy, and I know that to have the life I have, this resilience work is non-negotiable, as it stops me from going to the shop, picking up 4 cans of red stripe and hitting the ‘fuck it’ button. 

I am sharing my ways with you, may some may not, and over time, will find the things that work for you; you don’t need to quit something or have PMDD  to build resilience and create new ways of living and experiencing your life.

As always, I will add the links to IAPMD after my diagnosis in 2018. It provided me with a wealth of information and community. Please contact me if you have any questions; it’s important for me to raise awareness with honesty and compassion.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

With love 

Amanda, A Proud queer, sober artist making art that transforms my sadness into pictures, so I can live my best life.