Menopause, PMDD & Me – An artist’s journey

A year ago, I set up https://athompsonartist.com

I started this blog to share my story and art and reflect on the journey I am experiencing with PMDD. Over the last year, I have written 6 blog posts. I am very pleased with that. My writing is improving, and I am getting more confident. It’s, like anything, it’s all about practice!

Reflecting on my past posts, I can see how much I’ve grown in my art practice, my understanding of PMDD, and my journey toward menopause. After all, with knowledge comes the power to choose how to live and experience life.I knew that I didn’t want to be a victim; I wanted to be a warrior, sharing my truth and lived experiences. My hope is that by sharing my story, a person will come across this blog and have a lightbulb moment, just as I did when I first learned about PMDD.

My connection with the sea is profound, and I decided to create these “Sea Elders” from the North, South, East, and West. They support me in both good and bad times. When I speak to them, they answer me. Recently, I visited the beach and felt so discombobulated that I shouted and cried. I expressed my gratitude to the sea for its support, and thanked the moon and the sun as well. As I turned around and looked down, I discovered my first piece of light blue glass (or “sea treasure,” as my grandson and I call it). I felt incredibly moved that, in the vastness of the beach, it had offered me this exquisite piece of treasure.

Seasonal Living

This New Year’s Eve, I decided not to set any resolutions for the first time ever.

Why? 

As my menstrual cycle and mental health are so unpredictable, I felt it was time to align my life with the natural cycles, especially as my body approaches menopause. I find comfort in the reliability of the sun rising, the phases of the moon, and the changing seasons. Embracing winter as a time for hibernation feels liberating. I’ve also enjoyed letting go of the pressure to set resolutions and the guilt that often comes from not achieving them in the first week of the New Year.

In March, just a few days into spring, I will give a 15-minute presentation to my peers and tutors. I’ll discuss my work with slides, an introduction, and a Q&A session afterwards! I’m grateful to have the time to prepare my words and myself.

Navigating challenging situations feels like a battle between my mind and my heart. I have to listen to the internal chatter and then let it go! I have gained much experience in this area, and sharing my story in front of others is part of my artistic process. And as uncomfortable as the 15 minutes may feel, it is just 15 minutes, and then I can go home and back to the safety of my Studio in the Sky!

NightTime Landscapes

I’ve wanted to tackle the view from my window for a long time, but the sheer complexity of it has meant I only drew it a handful of times! Since my sleep pattern is all over the place, I often find myself awake at odd hours. I decided to start drawing random views out the window with coloured pencils. There’s something oddly comforting about seeing another person’s light on at 3 a.m.; it makes you realise you’re not the only one awake. I’m really enjoying these drawings. I use a limited palette of colours and dark indigo instead of black. I find it necessary to have squares to keep the drawings contained. They are created quickly and sometimes in the dim light of my phone’s torch. I have a small A5 sketchbook just for these sketches and look forward to seeing how they grow and develop over the year

As I am living in the Northern Hemisphere, it is time to embrace and celebrate IMBOLC.

This festival marks. The beginning of spring in Gaelic tradition is celebrated on February 1st or 2nd and falls halfway between the winter solstice and the spring equinox. It’s also associated with the Goddess. Brigid, Imbolc is a time for rituals involving light and cleansing, cleaning and new beginnings, and removing the things that no longer serve you.

My hallway wallpaper no longer meets my needs, so I decided to change it just over a week ago. I’m pleased to say that it’s almost entirely removed! I’ve wanted to decorate my hallway for six years, but until I started stripping the wallpaper, it had only existed as a Pinterest board! I have decluttered my kitchen and removed bags of junk from the cupboard of doom. It feels spacious.

I am a bear in hibernation right now, weaving together everything I learned, experienced, and accomplished during my MA to create my most exciting art piece yet.

Getting sober made me realise that all feelings and emotions are valid, and yes, if you read my posts, I bring this up a lot! But this realisation has been fundamental in how I live and experience my life now!I could no longer hide from them. 

Over the past five and a half years, I have been focused on personal growth and releasing my past. This journey takes time and is challenging, but the reward is a profound sense of peace and contentment. I’ve developed a deep and nurturing connection to my intuition, which continues to grow.

Shame Doll

I have gradually learned to let go of the emotions and feelings that I had held onto for many years. Shame, in particular, felt like a backpack filled with rocks that I carried around, and I added to it daily, allowing it to invade and take over my life.

I am creating a “Shame Doll.” This is the first of three dolls I plan to make; the other two will represent Fear and Guilt, inspired by a drawing I created last summer. These dolls will be part of my final piece. Soon, I will be able to hold Shame in my hand!

I even wrote, “I let go of the shame of my past! I am now free! 3/02/25 ” and shoved it into the arse of shame; it felt good! It blows my mind how I am changing the narrative around how I perceive and experience my emotions and feelings.

Final Exhibition Planning

For my Final Piece in June, I am going to make an “Emotional Emporium” ( not sure of the name yet) Inspired by “The Cabinet of Creative Curiosities” that I made on a whim for the Emergence Show we had in December 24. 

It sparked something, and I started researching and came up with an idea that quickly shaped into something fascinating. 

I have the time to see my project come together. My piece for the interim show, that the idea originated in two months before the show!

I am allowing myself more time this year, which is very important. I feel a strong drive and determination to create something that will help me share my story. I envision this piece being exhibited in various shows, and I plan to use it as a tool to conduct workshops on how we can process difficult emotions and feelings through art, making and lived experience.

Despite my challenges, I find this experience both upsetting and liberating. At 54, I no longer feel beholden to anyone regarding my art practice and can live as an artist on my own terms.

When I got sober, I knew that life would be different. I realised I was stepping into a new reality. I also understood that I needed to do a lot of work on myself to address the trauma of my past. Additionally, I recognised that much of my behaviour was linked to my PMDD, which I was previously unaware of. I also now understand living in the past does not serve me!

I have a deep love and understanding for myself that I have not had before because I have done the work, especially when my PMDD cycle was regular. I could positively manage myself. I knew when I would feel bad; I knew not to do certain things, to keep away from people, to learn to behave, and, you know, almost masking to fit into society.

I also see how the things that I do for self-care with my kundalini yoga, my meditation journaling my deep love and connection for the Sea, and most of all, being an artist, I know my art is giving me the space and the way to process and manage my emotions and feelings without resorting to reaching for a drink, obliterator and numbing the destructive thoughts and feelings. 

Validation 

As I mentioned in my last blog, I had been signed off work with PMDD & PTSD and am currently on Universal Credit. One of the requirements is to have a conversation with a health professional. This took place on the 7th of January. For an hour, I had a very understanding nurse, and after an in-depth and, at times, very emotional conversation, I spoke about how this was affecting me daily as I journeyed to menopause. I have documented and tracked my cycle and my PMDD before my cycle changed so i knew what i was experincing now was chaotic, at the end the nurse said it’s tough being a woman!

I knew the decision was coming and had moved it to the back of my mind, then last week, the text came through that due to my PMDD & PTSD, I won’t be asked to look for work unless I want to and won’t have to provide sick notes! I cried the relief and the feeling of validation that I was believed; there is still such stigma around mental health. So to have these answers was so important, not just for me but to others who also have PMDD and are journeying to menopause ( premenopausal ) That how they are feeling is taken seriously and believed,I truly thought they would say I had to go and look for work.

I know once I am through menopause, I will be free of PMDD and whatever my post-menopausal life looks and feels. I won’t be living with this any more. As I said to the nurse, I am physically and mentally exhausted and just want it to stop.

Thankfully, I have my MA and can hide in my studio, processing, letting go, and making art to help me understand and see things differently. 

Art has always been with me in my heart and soul. I can never be anything else but an artist. It was written in the stars. 

Don’t forget you can ask me anything to find out more about PMDD please click HERE