Menopause, PMDD & Me – An artist’s journey

Firstly, this is a blog post of 2 halves, honesty and celebration. I had planned to post in July after the Interim Show; unfortunately, my mental health plummeted; it took me by surprise and knocked me off my axis. Secondly, this is the longest I have gone without a bleed, over a 1/3 of the way to post-menopausal freedom from PMDD! Thirdly, on the 1st of September 2024, I will be 5 years sober! This blows my mind!

No matter how challenging the journey may be, if I had still been drinking, life right now would’ve been a shit show. 

Would I still be alive?

I doubt it! 

That sounds dramatic, but I know, how I was and how I felt about myself. I would’ve been dealing with challenging emotions and feelings without the tools I have learned over the last five years. In my drinking days,I had so much anger, sadness, and self-loathing. Dealing with PMDD was hard enough, and then slapping menopause on top makes me shudder to think how it could have been. Weirdly, this realisation has given me strength , yes I’m finding it hard! yes things have changed, and not for the better and it will pass! I have been hit with depression on top of the erratic waves of PMDD that come and go with no regular cycle, it’s exhausting.

I am not seeking sympathy or trying to portray myself as a victim. I see myself as a warrior, an elder in training with a purpose. I will use my art and voice to bring attention to PMDD and menopause. If someone encounters one of my art pieces, discovers my blog, or comes across a post that resonates with their own experience, they can reach out and connect or find comfort in knowing they are no longer alone and in the dark. Creating a community through shared experiences is important to me.

Acknowledging that I am struggling means I can begin to put things in place to help me navigate this challenging and, frankly, slightly scary time. I feel discombobulated, not me at all. Thankfully, I have always had my art and the ability to disappear inside my sketchbooks when the darkness comes.

Since getting sober, I have a whole toolbox of methods to help me navigate this unfamiliar journey. Meditation, journaling, kundalini yoga, walking on the beach, riding my bike, eating cake, and dancing to support me. I have contacted my university support services and have been referred for more counselling. Thirty sessions were not enough, and it felt strange not to have that person there who knew what was happening; I now realise it was/is very important. Ongoing therapy is the way forward, and a new referral has been made. 

HRT – A Personal Choice to take or not to take!

I have been asked about this a few times. I chose not to take HRT (hormone replacement therapy) after consulting with the gynaecologist, who honestly stated that it could improve or worsen my condition. As one of the darker sides of PMDD, and at the moment, I am struggling with suicidal ideation and the desire to implode into my own self and disappear, and the thought of taking something that could make that worse and send me over the edge I just can’t take the risk.

We are all unique, and this is my journey. Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) may work for you, and it’s a personal choice. I would never tell a person what they should or should not do.

On the 1st of September 2024, I will be 5 years sober! 

There’s a lot in the world about being positive all the time, happy, happy, happy. It’s nonsense. Happiness is an emotion like all the others. Here’s the thing: you can’t ignore these feelings and emotions, and you have to find ways of being with them because they are always there for a reason. I’ve learned that when you feel happy, enjoy and be in that moment. Life inevitably has its ups and downs. When the tough times arise, staying sober means no hiding. I had to learn to sit with the situation, acknowledge how it made me feel, and decide whether to be with it until it passed or take action. I have the power to choose how I respond to life.

My old way would be to get drunk, rant, blame the world, get angry, cry and wake up the next day feeling utterly shit; a myriad of emotions, thoughts and feelings swimming around my head, checking my phone, did I upset anyone etc.……! Even writing that, I could hear that past life’s echo move through me, making me shudder. I have come a long way since my boozing days.

For 34 years, I was unaware of my PMDD and didn’t realise my worth or confidence as an artist. I couldn’t be honest about my sexuality; I was scared and worried so much about what others thought of me. I watched the world move on while I remained on the sidelines, never quite finding my place anywhere.

Quitting drinking has allowed me to make my own unique place in the world. I now have the tools that help me daily to keep some balance when the darkness comes. I see myself as a queer, sober artist, speaker, and writer. I can’t and won’t be boxed into one thing. I am ever-changing and evolving as I transition through menopause; this time marks the end of my reproductive years. I am stepping into a new era with new powers to harness and enjoy without doubts or worries clouding my future.

These past 5 years have been unbelievable; when I made the decision to stop, I was so scared and had no idea what the world would look like, booze-free. Facing that fear has allowed me to live my life on my terms.

As part-time students, we get to show our work alongside the full-timers and 2nd year MA students’ final Summer Show. We have a space to show our response to our work over that year. I thought I knew what I was going to show. One idea was to show my big self-portrait drawing from my residency and some paintings.

Then, during a tutorial, I was asked about the planets. What are they? I replied, ‘My emotional planets!’ I was encouraged to write down what they represented and to see the strength in the heart and hand images I had drawn. I played around with a few ideas; It looked like I was about to make my first art installation. 

After another tutorial, I agreed that colour would bring a whole new conversation, which I was not ready to have now; my strength is my drawing. So, I decided to create all the planets using a layered graphite technique, gradually erasing and redrawing them. I played with some ideas on my thinking wall. It was nearly the end of May, and it had to go up by the 25th of June.

I was ready for the challenge, so I unfurled my massive roll of paper sharpened my pencils, and set about creating something from nothing! I had promised myself I would give the MA 100%, and I can say with all my heart that I have.

I wrote in my journal after the first day of my MA.

“Today, I started my MA, met others on the course, and sat in the quad, taking it all in. It’s going to be a whole new world! It’s time to be brave, make art that speaks, and push me, my art, and who I am. My life is going to change forever, and that is very exciting!” 26/09/2023

The creation of the pieces involved a drawing process that was very different from what I would usually do. Drawing, for me, was mostly confined to my sketchbooks. However, for this project, I connected with my drawing in a different way. Firstly, the scale and physicality of the drawing; I loved having my music on and moving and drawing, connecting with the energy of each emotion of the planet. The thinking wall allowed me to work on more than one planet at a time; depending on how I felt, I could move from one to the other.

Rage took four goes. The 1st three did not feel ragey enough!

I also had to think about how I would cut out the pieces. I knew I did not want to use scissors or a knife to cut out the planets, so I experimented with tearing. Ultimately, the most effective method is to score the paper, moisten it along the scored line, and gently pull it apart. It’s a very cathartic process, and I’m happy to have discovered it.

I placed a QR code next to the installation. When scanned, it directed to a PDF explaining the representation of each planet and more about PMDD.

READ IT HERE

I’m really proud of what I created. I put in a lot of hard work and approached the project calmly. I completely immersed myself in the experience of making my first art installation. Looking back, I realise there are a few things I would have done differently, and it got me thinking about the next one!

My confidence has grown over the past five years and now plays a significant role in how I live my life. My first year of my MA has given me a newfound belief in myself and my artistic abilities. Having the tutor’s support and guidance is invaluable. 

Who knows what will happen in the 2nd year?  I am excited and scared by the uncertainty, and that’s precisely why I’m an artist!

I can handle this now. I know, hand on heart, that the life I have now, despite its challenges, is far healthier. Many of my sober friends and I agree that being sober is like having a superpower. And one I am proud to have, in the time I have quit alcohol, my son also decided to live the sober life! 

I can never have just one drink, and I accept that. When the darkness comes and whispers in my ear, trying to undo all my good, I have the strength to tell the voice to “FUCK RIGHT OFF!”